im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My cat gives me a boner
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
