i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
