I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
