Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
