Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize