you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
