There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
