There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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