also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
