just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
