The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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