genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The beer is more important than you right now.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Someone signed my nipple.
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