I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
