Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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