This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
