Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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