Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
