Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just want nice things and good sex
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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