I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i would punch a child for taco bell
i think my mom watched the whole time
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
