I'm so fucking centered right now
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
