then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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