Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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