It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
