Hey man sorry I got all grabby
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
