Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
