either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
