I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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