I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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