I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize