: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
