You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
