I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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