I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
