her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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