I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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