If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
