Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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