I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
is that a dick in a sweater?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
