Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
