I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Be still, my beating vagina.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
