you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
