I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
