you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
