Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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