my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he fucked my hip out of place.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
where are my pants?
in the oven.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize