Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
