I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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