having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
