my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
