WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
