What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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