when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
