I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
