I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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