Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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