I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
