There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
