you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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