Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Randomize