Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
