The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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