So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
