What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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