a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize