I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
