my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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